


lapis philosophorum 70kg

by HAC



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, also random students who are sort of in shock, brief mentions of Dumbledore regretting his life choices and also lemon drops
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-11
Updated: 2014-04-19
Packaged: 2018-01-04 07:58:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1078492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HAC/pseuds/HAC
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sub for: Philosophers Stone 70kg<br/>Use as needed<br/>Warning:<br/>Side effects<br/>Unruly children, temporal upsets, mass genocide, a distinct lack of personal death.</p><p>(a drabble series)</p><p>heads up: I got a concussion and no longer actually remember what I had planned for this so???? haha oops</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Super Hogwarts Level: Punching Your Dad In The Face

Perhaps it would have been more dramatic if the classroom had gone eerily silent.

  
As it were the distant sounds of wizardry permeated the air. It appeared a pick up quidditch match had had the unfortunate luck to collide with a mass exodus from the owlry. The sound of squawking and midair strife filtered through the classroom regardless of the fact that owls were supposed to be nocturnal and students in their classes. 

So was life in wizarding Scotland.  


The inside of the classroom produced no sound though and in the end it was that sort of dedication that really mattered, the shocked sentiment lending an air of drama to the situation at hand.

  
What else was one to do, really, when the petite blonde Durmstrang transfer had determinedly strode up to the new extracurricular professor and without missing a beat punched him straight in the face.

  
Job apparently done he drew himself back up to full height.

  
“Right.” He stated this as if he had come to an important decision, making a show of straightening his gloves as he turned importantly and began walking back towards the entrance of the classroom, “I’m done, then.”

  
The crowd of terrified yet impressed students parted ways, one Hufflepuff student sitting down heavily in shock. Despite previous luck with professors no one had dared to ever punch one before. This one hadn’t even proven himself a servant of the dark lord yet!

  
He probably would, most of them had assumed already, but this was rather jumping the gun. Maybe the transfer had taken offense at his shared eye color with the professor? It was rather a unique trait which appealed to many of the student body, as that color was very rare outside of werewolves, and really one could be put off at losing such a defining feature to homogeny. 

He hadn’t seemed the type to care for that sort of attention, but he also hadn't seemed the type to punch a teacher in the face.

  
“Edward,” The professor tried, apparently not extremely put off by the devastating looking punch he had been dealt mere seconds ago.

  
“Nope,” Edward responded in a very final manner. “This was unnecessary and I am leaving.”

  
Having reached the still open door he simply sidled past the few Ravenclaws clustered around and slipped into the hall without a fuss. The sound of mismatched footprints mingling with aviary violence seemed only to reinforce the tension keeping the students in their clusters. Nervously, they looked to the professor.

  
With a sigh Professor Van Hohenheim waved them in and after a brief hesitation consisting of a murmur and shift through the crowd the mob began to disperse and students found their places. Oddly, the seats near the door were largely avoided.

  
Later when the incident was reported to Dumbledore he would sigh and, popping a lemon candy in his mouth for comfort, begin his journey on the road to realization that adding an Alchemy class to his school was probably one of the worst ideas he had ever had.


	2. There's a rumour in St Petersburg except by a rumour I mean like five and by St Petersburg I mean Hogwarts

The school year had already started out interestingly enough with promises of fugitives and dementors, which were exciting only really to those who had no contact with the boy who lived, but somehow Edward Elric managed to be more interesting than all combined with one simple act of punching a professor in the face.

Simple was probably an understatement but nonetheless the school was abuzz.

Elric had, according to records surreptitiously accessed by several of the more morally flexible Ravenclaws to satiate their curiosity, made his transfer in third year. His record did not indicate why he had left Durmstrang behind, but with the sister school's reputation concerning the Dark Arts the reason was sure to be juicy.

Despite the relative mystery of his transfer, along with the sheer fact that hardly anyone transferred due to the strong loyalty each region had to their schools, he managed to escape attention for three of his four years of Hogwarts tenure before blasting onto the gossip scene in the beginning of his seventh year.

Of course, it being Hogwarts, the fact he had managed to avoid attention in the first place was almost more interesting than him punching a professor in the face. After all, at some point Harry Potter had managed to accidentally intentionally disintegrate a professor.

Punches really did not compare.

The saving grace of this happening to the gossip mill was that Professor Van Hohenheim did not seem inclined to punish him at all. Not for the punch, nor for his continued truancy every day following said punch. If it wasn't for the necessity of food the Hufflepuff table may have ended up missing a prominent splotch of gold during mealtimes just so that he could further alienate himself from the professor. Though he pointedly never glanced in the direction of the staff table he managed to turn up to meals several minutes late every single meal, just like clockwork.

It was almost as if he was doing a service to his fellow classmates, allowing them these few minutes of time to gossip, but the fact of the matter was he was late to most if not all things. It was a point of contention with several professors and most speculated that he did so simply to annoy them further.

Unfortunately for Elric, the saying about the best laid plans of mice and men held true even when the men were wizards. He hardly succeeded in avoiding Van Hohenheim for more than two weeks, according to a stealthy batch of young first year Gryffindors. If they hadn't been lost on their way to the Hall, the conversation would have never struck the light of day.

Upon noticing the two halves of Hogwart's hottest gossip the small group quickly bustled their way behind a pillar, leaning up against each other and hanging off the nearby armored statues with excitement as they attempted to stay out of sight and catch as much as they could of the interaction.

Several of them gave heady giggles only to be shushed by the others and, oddly, the statue they hung off of.

They needn't have bothered as it turned out because neither professor nor student showed any sign of looking away from each other.

Professor Hohenheim gently reached to lay a hand on Elric's shoulder only for the student to jerk back as if struck. It probably would have served him right to be struck, the first years collectively agreed later on, but Van Hohenheim was a gentle man (even if he was probably going to betray the school).

Elric's hand flew up and he whirled, almost as if in a defensive stance from some muggle self defense art, glaring hard at the man in front of him. As if trying to be a direct foil to the younger man who looked so much like him, Van Hohenheim gave a small sigh and attempted what the Gryffindors described as a fairly comforting smile. Elric didn't seem to agree with that by his scoff, but he also seemed to be biased.

When he spoke it was in a language none of them understood. Not even little Marnie Glaus, one of the lions who was somewhat unfairly a bit of a polyglot despite her young age.

Elric responded in the same language, drawing himself up like he had in their ill fated first meeting (if it was their first meeting). Not that the Gryffindors knew, but from how it had been described by the unlucky members of the 9 AM Tuesday Thursday Alchemy timeslot, it was pretty certain that it was the same pose.

They went on for several minutes, both tense and clearly uncomfortable, but at the same time they seemed to fit oddly well together. The small group watching them exchanged looks and whispered among each other, not particularly caring to catch what the two were saying considering it would be incomprehensible anyway. A small chant of "do it," started up at some point as Elric seemed to get more incensed and nearly looked like he would deck the man, a sight they hadn't gotten to see, but it was quickly shushed for fear of getting too loud and being caught.

Disappointingly to their watchers the conversation did not end in any more violence but in terse nods followed by Elric storming off in the correct direction of the Hall and Van Hohenheim proceeding elsewhere.

Gleefully, the small group hurried behind the seventh year, excited to not only find their way to get food at last but to share their experience. 

Everyone was going to be _so jealous._

If Elric noticed them following behind him he gave no indication.

Upon entering the great hall the gaggle of firsties ran straight to their peers, nearly stumbling over each other in their excitement to share what they had seen despite having no real idea what they _had_ seen.

Nonetheless the story practically flew across the hall, in sharp contrast to it's subjects one of whom remained absent and the other of whom was leisurely serving himself a generous helping of stew.  

The fact that no one understood what they had said at all did not seem to deter anyone from wild speculation.

According to some, this meant Van Hohenheim had been part of the reason Elric had to transfer from Durmstrang the few years previous, as they clearly knew each other and must be from the same part of the world to share a language. Another popular theory insisted that they were somehow related, evidencing their shared unique features. Some said they must both somehow be Veela and the language they spoke was that of their kind, and the reason they didn't get along was that they had both been able to sense each other and were somehow territorial.

The theories only grew wilder as the meal progressed, and though there was no way Elric hadn't noticed when the story spread to his own table he resolutely paid no heed and simply ate, only offering token polite conversation to Diggory, who was too noble to take part in something as impolite as gossip.

  
Either way (or neither way) the school's interest was piqued. By the end of the week, no language book would be left unread and no theory untested. By the next week, an entirely new set would be in existence and the cycle would begin anew, until the Dementors and the Fugitive once again became immediate concerns and the matter of the Professor and the Student would once again cycle into oblivion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I forgot my username and decided it meant I didn't have to write anything more but I figured it out so I made an update  
> Also: Edward Elric would be in Hufflepuff and I am willing to throw down about it.


End file.
